Germs

OK, today I'm going to treat you to a big ole rambling, mumblefussing rant about idiotic people who spread germs, which I think is apropos now with increasing concerns about the avian flu and the coming winter season. The fuse was lit by a friend of mine who shared a somewhat disturbing experience with me, so you can blame (or congratulate) him for the inspiration, whatever you like.

Bruce works in the hospitality industry (concierge at a four-star hotel in the Atlanta area). On a trip to the local Kaiser Permanente facility to pick up some meds, he saw a stack of printouts which advised people not to sneeze in their hands, but to sneeze on their shoulders or in their sleeve, so that your clothing can absorb the germs and they won't be spread to other people. At his job, he constantly sees hotel guests and coworkers sneeze in their hands, and then not two seconds later reach out to shake somebody's hand, or grab a telephone, and it gets him pretty pissed off (not to mention sick all the time), so he saw these printouts and thought, Eureka! Why not take a few of these printouts (which are, after all, from a well-respected HMO) to the next hotel staff meeting on policies and procedures and get people thinking, and perhaps create a healthier workplace. Right???

Well, he took the printouts to the meeting and handed them out, but nobody seemed to give a damn. One person even went so far as to call him "eccentric" to have these feelings about the spreading of germs. I felt pretty bad for Bruce. He's a voice in the wilderness. Have you ever actually stopped to notice how many people really do sneeze in their hands instead of in their sleeve or on a Kleenex or napkin, and then reach over to handle a phone or shake your hand? If you haven't, you will be shocked at the number of clueless schmucks around you whose mommas never taught them about germs. There's no wonder why there is so much sickness around.

That guy who said poor Brucie was "eccentric" and all these other eejits will probably be the first to drop dead from the avian flu pandemic when it finally gets a hold of the U.S. population. (God has a sense of humor that way. You know, thinning the herd through natural selection.) The CDC has said God knows how many times that the world is LONG overdue for another flu pandemic on the scale of what we had in 1918 where 1 out of every 4 people in the U.S. died, and it's most assuredly not a matter of if, but when. But when the 1918 pandemic hit, the majority of people who died weren't kids and the elderly, but hale and hearty people in the prime of life, in their 20s and 30s, so that information is good enough for me to keep being VERY cautious and VERY careful. After all, apart from the flu scare, I don't want to get sick simply because I HATE feeling crappy!!!

And, even though I mostly have a very healthy constitution and rarely get sick (in traditional Leo style, on the rare occasions I do get sick it's quite dramatic with lots of violins), as long as I'm living in a world filled with stupid people, why try and push my luck? Therefore, I'm a fanatic about washing my hands thoroughly when going to a public restroom (singing Happy Birthday in my head three times while washing my hands so as to give the hot water, soap and friction enough time to kill all the germs) and using my sleeve or a paper towel to cover the door handle as I get the heck out. I'm also a fanatic about hovering instead of riding bareback when I have to use a public restroom. I'm even suspicious of the so-called protective capabilities of those paper covers. Some small part of me, though, has always wondered if I was just a bit paranoid for doing so. That is, up until 2 wks ago at karaoke when I was completely vindicated. I cruised into the bathroom of the pizza place, and as I was hovering in my stall taking a quick power pee, I overheard the following conversation between two girls (and no, I am not making this up for the sake of dramatic effect/gross-out humor):

GIRL 1 [in the stall to the right of me as she is peeing]: Hey Sherry.
GIRL 2: [washing her hands at one of the sinks] Mm-hmmm?
GIRL 1: I've got this red rash on my ass and it's itchin' the crap outta me! It hurts so bad.
GIRL 2: Is it on your ass cheeks or actually on your privates, hon?
GIRL 1: Actually it's real close to where I had my surgery and the incision I think is infected, that's where the rash is prolly comin' from.
GIRL 2: How long have you had the rash?
GIRL 1: Like, a week, somethin' like that.
GIRL 2: What's goin' on with the incision?
GIRL 1: Well, it's killing me and pus is coming out.
GIRL 2: [Shuts off water at sink] You want me to take a look at it?
GIRL 1: [Opens stall door without leaving stall] Yeah, it hurts real bad and it itches.
GIRL 2: [Gets into stall with Girl 1 without closing stall door] OK, let me see here. [fumbling around noises] Yeah, I see some pus there. You'd better get that checked out, girlfriend.

At that point, to announce my presence (or at least remind them of it) I flushed the toilet. The girls immediately fell silent. I got out of my stall, washed my hands as fast as I could with my eyes resolutely focused on my hands and the sink - as I did NOT want to look at Sherry's friend's ass rash and pus-ridden incision, or whatever the hell Sherry was checking out on Sherry's friend's ass - and I ceremoniously covered the door handle with a nice big piece of paper towel as I walked out, and very loudly and firmly slammed the door shut. Complete silence still reigned behind me.

When I was called up to the mike to do my next song, I was actually tempted to embarrass the hell out of the girls by saying something like "Oh, by the way, Sherry's buddy over there has a rash on her ass and pus coming out of a butt incision, so if any of you need to use the ladies' room, or any ladies' room for that matter, and have a habit of riding bareback, you may want to at least use the paper covers, if not hover. Mmmm-kay? Now let's all give Sherry's girlfriend a hand and best wishes for speedy healing, shall we?" Or something like that. But I wasn't feeling particularly brilliant that night so I kept my mouth shut about it and just sang my song.