Man thatch ...

Please, somebody tell me I'm not the only woman on earth who likes man thatch.

In case you have no earthly idea what I mean by "man thatch" (which is likely because it has been out of style for quite a few years now), I'm speaking of male body hair. Although profuse back hair is a bit much (and this much hairiness is just a hair over the top, so to speak - I'd hate to be vacuuming his shedded hairs up and cleaning them out of the shower and sink drains every damn day), in my humble, red-blooded-man-lovin' opinion, there is nothing, and I mean nothing, on God's green earth like a nice masculine hairy chest, arms, legs, etc. I mourn the death of man thatch in our culture and simply cannot get my mind around the utter perversion of the biological and gender identity order that is our current sick standard of male beauty, the Smooth Man. Want me to give you a concrete example of what I'm talking about? Brad Pitt. He's the epitome of the Smooth Man standard. (Remember Troy? Brad didn't have even blond body hair. And Achilles was of Mediterranean descent! That was just wrong.) And all Hollywood actors are being forced to conform to the template. Even the ones you just know would have some nice, healthy, sexy man thatch when they aren't working on a movie (like Mel Gibson, George Clooney, and Bruce Willis) are forced to wax from here to there or it's digitally eliminated. When's the last time you saw any man on the movie or TV screens with thatch? And it was portrayed in a positive light? Thought so. (Go see The 40-Year-Old Virgin if you aren't convinced there's a jihad on against man thatch yet.)

The worst part of it is that the Smooth Man standard has trickled down into the mainstream and taken hold in such a way that hairy men everywhere are being forced to wax themselves to become as smooth as their women. And those who choose to buck the standard for one reason or another are forced to languish, lonely and dateless, secretly hairy in the shadows of the hairy closet. How unnatural, how wrong, how utterly messed up is that?

Look. I appreciate aesthetics as much as anybody, but I just really dig on man thatch. All hail to the Hairy Man! Down with the Smooth Man! Hairy men everywhere, be proud of your hirsuteness. If I wanted a Hairless Wonder I'd be dating a boy or a shallow metrosexual, not a man.

NEWS FLASH TO HOLLYWOOD: Stop waxing your male stars, or at least those who we know would have to be naturally hairy, and give us ladies more choice in the hairiness spectrum! You'd probably get more women in to the movie theaters to boost your sagging ticket sales. If I liked the prepubescent smooth hairless little boy look I'd be making like Michael Jackson. Hairy men = sexy! Hairy men = real men!! Hairy men = testosterone! Yum yum yum.

Thus concludes my impassioned ode to man thatch.

UPDATE: Looks like Hollywood is listening to me, haha ... this weekend I saw Just Like Heaven with Mark Ruffalo and Reese Witherspoon, and there are quite a few segments showing Mark shirtless with a deliciously abundant thatch! Wowza!

Don't hate on Jude ...

OK, I'm the first to admit that I never thought Jude Law was a Babius Maximus, he makes my teeth itch and I think he's a cad, but ... taking pics of Jude or any man in the nude, then plastering those pics all over the 'bloids and proceeding to make fun of his (seemingly) small ween is going just a bit too far. C'mon, people. That's just a bit below the belt. So to speak.

If you haven't seen these infamous pics yet and are dying of curiosity to see Jude's twig n' berries, go here to see and judge for yourself whether all those cackling Eurotabloid journalists are right.

I, personally, am very reluctant to opine on the matter, but opine I shall. On the surface, it's quite possible that Jude may blow my Donger Theory right out of the water. Look at that thatch, I woulda thought he'd have more meat to go with that nice thatch. But hey, for all we know, Judie could be a grow-er, not a show-er. So don't hate on Jude, dude.