Mr. Picassohead ...

I've become addicted to Mr. Picassohead. It's divine for when you get bored or just feel like expressing yourself. Or making some bullsh*t art.
My greatest masterpiece.

Family wisdom ...

Today I was contemplating how every family has its own special sayings. Everybody can recall at least one saying from at least one family member, that they remember because it's hysterically funny, or just really poignant and profound. It seems every family, no matter how dysfunctional, bequeaths to its members at least one gem of one sort or another, that says a lot about the family member and his/her perspective, focus and philosophy as a unique individual, but also on a more general level about life itself. I am lucky to have collected plenty of gems from my own family. :-)

My dad:
1) (On John Kerry) Anybody who votes for Kerry is a p*ssy.
2) (On Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter, whom he met once) Everybody may think he's this big peace broker but he's really a big a$$hole. He was the biggest a$$hole ever to occupy the White House, other than Bill Clinton. Rosalynn is a sweetheart, though. He doesn't deserve her.
3) (On automotive care) Your car is in bad shape because you don’t take care of it [which I do but he likes to think that I don’t because it gives him a reason to benevolently hound me]. Take care of your car and it’ll take good care of you.
4) (Whenever I suffer an emotional or work-related disappointment) Piss on ‘em! Or: F*ck ‘em and feed ‘em beans!
5) (Whenever I am worried about something) If they aren’t putting bread on your table, if you have no control over it, it’s not worth worrying about. If you have control over it, then do something about it.
6) (On honesty and consistency) Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
7) (Calling me and singing the Stevie Wonder song out of tune) I just called to say I love youuuu!

My mom:
1) (On the weather) I just saw on TV that there’s a storm headed this way, I wouldn’t go out in it if I were you but be sure and take a umbrella with you if you do. [NOTE: “a umbrella” is not a typo; my mom is from Birmingham, AL and it’s the dialect.]
2) (At restaurants, looking at whatever everybody else is eating) You know that has a lot of fat in it.
3) (While grocery shopping) Don’t buy that, it has hydrogenated oil in it! That stuff’ll kill you!
4) (On a guy I was once interested in, who said he wanted to go out with me at one point but had a conflict because he was taking his mom out for coffee, whom he hadn’t seen in a while) He doesn't want to date you because he’s too busy dating his mother.
5) (On Wee2) Wee Wee doesn’t like your boyfriend because he thinks he's your boyfriend.
6) (On Sundays) Have you gone to Mass today, honey? Make sure you go to Mass today, please.
7) (When people let me down) Just offer it up and pray for them. God sees what you are suffering and will turn it into something.
8) (On parental love) All I want is for you to be happy. Your happiness is my happiness, and when your heart breaks, my heart breaks too.
9) (On our relationship) You're my best friend.
10) (A classic of moms everywhere - said whenever I tell her to stop nagging me about things) You'll never understand until you have a child of your own!
11) (On motherhood) I was never happier than when I was pregnant.
12) (More on motherhood) Your daddy and I were so filled with joy the day you were born and you have brought us nothing but joy ever since.

My brother:
1) (On dating) Don’t give it all up at once! Leave something in the bank, for God’s sake!
2) (On disappointments) Screw me once, f*ck you. Screw me twice, f*ck me.
3) (On driving) Either lead, follow, or get out of the f*cking way.

The Donger Theory ...

Based on my own personal experience and that of my girlfriends (whose "field research" I would say has covered a fairly broad cross-section of the population ... not that we're rampaging sluts or anything, but we're all in our mid-thirties and dated enough men by now to know a thing or two), I've developed my own little personal theory about donger size. Contrary to the popular belief that one can tell the size of a man's twig n' berries by the length and width of his fingers, or by his shoe size, these are not, in fact, reliable indicators of donger size. To me, a guy's build and/or hair placement and quantity (on scalp as well as on rest of body) are far more reliable indicators as to whether a man's hung like a light switch - or a tripod. Of course, there are always exceptions, which adds to the fun of it all, I suppose, but anyway.

In a nutshell (pun not intended),

- short and skinny build = little donger.
- tall and skinny build = biiiig donger (we’re talking long and thick).
- Short with muscular build or tall with muscular build = Could go either way. If he's naturally muscular, he’s going to be “capable” at worst, but if he’s not naturally muscular and “manly” and had to work out like a maniac to get there, you can betcha he's got a pretty teeny peeny.
- Tall, not muscular, but stocky all over like a linebacker = hung like a pencil eraser. See above.

Note: If you're dealing with a gentleman who is just kind of average and doesn't really fit into any of the above categories, optimal body hair placement will always tip the balance toward healthy endowment. Usually when a guy is bald and hairy (has a chest thatch, treasure trail, and back hair), you can be sure he’s got a pretty decent-sized donger. It has to do with testosterone levels.
And when it comes down to a long skinny vs. a short fatty, most ladies agree: We prefer a short fatty (Coke can) to a long skinny any day of the week. On the other hand, there is something to be said for a long skinny that can tap a lucky lady's cervix from the next area code.

I've never conducted an active study of ball size, which I kind of feel bad about. I feel sorry for balls, they’re the neglected country cousins of the donger, which gets all the attention. Anybody with more ball experience out there care to contribute anything about ball size?

The Latest on the Wee Wee War ...

Well, this weekend was a *bit* better. Friday night W2 was very good in terms of not hissing or trying to attack The Boyfriend or me, and spent the night with us in my bedroom with no incident. No attacking us in the bed or nailing either one of us with claws and fangs as we slept - in fact, he was a complete angel pie, purring and licking me when I petted him. However, he was extremely nervous and washed himself every five minutes ALL night long, which kept us up all night, because when he washes himself he makes these really loud SMACK SMACK SMACK noises which can be heard in the next room. By dawn we were both quite irritated, The Boyfriend mumbled "F*cking cat" and I snapped a stuffed animal at W2 to get him to stop washing himself or at least get off the damn bed and let us sleep if he wasn't going to sleep himself, which I felt bad about because I didn't want W2 to feel like he couldn't sleep with me any more. He hissed at me and I had to snap the stuffed bunny at him 3 times before he stopped hissing and jumped off the bed and went somewhere else. The rest of the weekend he pretty much hid from us, but this morning he hissed at The Boyfriend again and out came the towel and more snapping of W2 until he stopped hissing and backed down.

Normally W2 has the same sleep schedule as I do, and sleeps when I sleep and is awake when I'm awake, and I never have a problem with him keeping me up. But this was my first night back at home in nearly 3 days, I'd been waiting out Hurricane Ivan at The Boyfriend's place and had left W2 at my place by himself. So I suspect he had been seriously wigged out by the hurricane and my absence during the hurricane, and his sleep schedule got all messed up because I wasn't there to "cue" him.

Yeah, I know, stop making excuses for W2 and being such a freakin' enabler.

Last night The Boyfriend/Marlboro Man revealed to a friend of mine who was inquiring on the progress made in the W2 War that he has shot cats on his family's ranch for lesser offenses than what W2 has committed. Lovely!
[sigh]